15 September 2013

Season of change

I know I have been away from blogging all summer. I didn't intend to be. I had more time to blog, but I chose to spend a lot of it with Kaydence. It has been a sweet season with her, watching her change and her personality develop. She is hopping now; her teacher says an almost 14 month old is not supposed to do that, but mine is doing it. I am grateful for the time I have had with her. Grateful for the sweetness of having life perfect for a month or so. But seasons change . . . Last Friday, my mom called me, just as my theatre shift was ending. With bad news. She has had custody of my Robbie since I moved in with Left-brain. It wasn't the intention to leave him with her forever, but that was how it turned out; Robbie would not have gotten along with Beazer and would have probably been killed, and he loved my mom, so she took him. I have been upset about this since it happened, but it was what it had to be. Anyway, he wasn't acting right, so she took him the vet, and the blood tests they did said he most likely either had a Stage 5 lymphoma or leukemia. They had to wait til the pathologist officially gave the results. It was devastating, maybe because he had been so well, just older. I sat with him on Saturday, cuddling and loving him, I told him if he'd just stick it out, I'd bring him home with me. He licked me and loved me, and I was hopeful maybe that the wait from the pathologist would mean he was OK, that it was something bad, but treatable. And it wasn't so. Monday evening, I sat and held him while he left. It was at sunset. I hated every second of it, but I did it for him, so he wouldn't be scared, so for once, he would be the one leaving, not me. I tell myself he died with someone loving him, and someone crying as he left, and there are dogs who are not given that, and there weren't options otherwise, but there are moments where it hits me that my dog is gone. And I feel such guilt about what I didn't do. Yesterday, Katie and I went to Hobby Lobby and were looking at the ornaments, and it struck me that I have to purchase him a memorial ornament for the Christmas tree, and I had to make myself get control, because I didn't want to have to be in that position. Not this soon. Not with him. And I hated it. And work is not going as well as I had wanted. I won't go into detail, but it's not how I wanted to be. And I am facing having to re-evaluate this situation. And I don't like it.


Suzanne said...

Rachel, my heart breaks for you. I hope that whatever is going on at work gets better. Robbie knew how much you loved him. When they leave us, the guilt is ours for what we wish we had done. He does not know that, and thought he had the best mamma in the world.

Anonymous said...


Life seems so unfair sometimes and we can't grasp why things happen the way they do. Know your Robbie knew how much you loved him and even though the circumstances didn't show it. He's not hurting anymore.

A Memorial Ornament sounds like a wonderful tribute to him.

I hope you find peace in your heart and the guilt leaves you.

Stitchinowl said...

I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved Robbie. My heart breaks for you.

Shebafudge said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. It hurts when we have to let our furbabies go.

I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped--Frederick Perls