23 May 2014


Since we're pulling back on searching for a house, we have to get all the stuff that was in storage out. Our house has been looking less cluttered lately, so I am not looking forward to having it all back, but we can't afford to pay for the storage unit, plus do the things that get us financially able to afford a new house. Since I don't want my stuff to end up on Storage Wars, it's coming home.

Left-brain was a little concerned about all the stuff coming back. I told him a lot of my stuff is BOOKS, and I need bookcases. Why do builders not put usable bookcases in houses anymore? Do people not read? Or do they all just have Kindles? Anyway, he said he wouldn't build bookcases if he could buy them already made--this is quite a change for the man who had to be convinced that the pre-fab railing sections were a better buy because the difference in material costs was much cheaper than the opportunity costs of him nailing the sections together. So we went online and looked. I ordered 3 large bookcases and one low for my office. The low one is for my work manuals and probably some freebie binders. And the tall ones will hold as much of my book collection as will fit.  They're almost 6 feet tall, so I figure that ought to hold a good bit, PLUS the top can be used to display some of my tchotkes. I don't know what I'll do with my stash quite yet. I'm determined to get that straightened out, but not sure how to do it--I'm still watching Youtube cross stitch videos, and I see how other people store stuff and I haven't found a system that calls to me, other than a non-vlogging friend's method of storing her extra skeins of floss in envelopes in photo boxes. I'm going to work on that when things settle down.

I know a lot of you know me from FB and stitching sites. So y'all people know that my father was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor and given days to live. I'm compartmentalizing how I deal with it. I mostly try to push it to the back of my conscious, because, if I dwelled, I'd be a wreck. On the whole, I know we can not stay, we have to die, and he has no quality of life. But that doesn't always help.  I never knew my dad's parents--my gramma died when I was 9 months old, and my grampa died when I was not quite 5. The only memory I have of him, other than at the funeral, was him with the tattoos to guide the radiation. I had a great relationship with my mom's parents--I adored them--but how would things have been different if I'd gotten the chance to know Daddy's parents? And will Katie be affected by losing him? He is the only one of her grandparents she really calls by name, and she really talks good to him on the phone. She told him "All better" both on the phone last time we called and when I took her to see him, and she draws him pictures. People say to take her in to see him, but she was messing with his oxygen on Sunday when we saw him, and he isn't the Poppy she knows, and I don't want her to be scared. I want her to have good memories of him, cause they've got to last the rest of her life.

And I'm trying to be as normal as I can be; one thing I've learned over the years is that, even when we're grieving, we have no right to inflict our misery on others. So I try to be cheerful; it's strange, but it's how I deal. And I joke, because that's therapy. Laughter is healing. Besides my dad told terrible jokes, and he'd probably want it that way.

So, if you "see" me out and about, and I seem oddly jovial, just know that I'm trying my hardest to deal with a bad situation the best I know how to. And pray for my dad, if you can.


Sew Wilde said...

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I will keep him and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I like your patriotic background.


Robin said...

Lifting you and your family up in my prayers. I think sharing pictures and stories of her granddaddy with your daughter will help.

Robin in Virginia

Jennifer said...

Oh Rachel, I'm sorry you're all going through this with your dad. I struggled with how much of what Jeff's grandmothers were going through to let Nick see because he was so young. He was just over 2 when they died, so how much of them he will remember on his own won't be much. But we keep pictures of Babci and Grandma Great in several places in the house, including his room, and we talk about them. If nothing else, he's at least able to make some connection back to them.

stitchersanon said...

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I think you have to act in a manner which suits you. There are no rights, no wrongs and no ruddy instructions when things like this happen. You have to do what is right for your little girl but also, talk to her. You might be surprised by how easily she takes in information and helping her to deal with it now might make it easier for her when she is a grown up and has to face similar situations. But again, so what is right for you. Sending you hugs and prayers xxx

Stitchinowl said...

Rachel, I am so sorry to hear about your dad. Praying for your whole family.

valerie said...

So sorry to read this news on your dad Rachel. I hope for the best and that he is as comfortable as possible. Sending you good thoughts.

Meari said...

I can totally relate to dealing with how you're feeling during this time with your Dad. As you know, I've been dealing with similar issues. I try not to dwell on it either because I'd be sad all the time. If you ever need to "talk", feel free to email me. ((Hugs))

P.S. I was young when my grandmother passed away. Even though I visited her in the hospital before she went, my memories always concentrate on other things about her and rarely those last visits. It may be that way for K, too.

Carol said...

Please know I am thinking of you and your family, Rachel. This must be such a difficult time--I can't imagine...You are awfully young to have to go through this.

I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped--Frederick Perls