18 March 2018


Not a heck of a lot of stitching went on this week, since I was trying to get the house put back to order before starting work. We did, however, take some time to get the kids' picture taken with the Easter bunny, since I don't know what my schedule will be for the next few weeks. K was quite happy to visit the bunny, but her brother wanted no part of it.

I have no idea what bothered him, except he was tired. His stroller is in the back of our truck, which is at the repair shop, getting the transmission replaced. We just had the flipping thing rebuilt last spring, and it went out at the end of February. At least, when it broke, it was NOT when the kids and I were in the car. And it did have a warranty. So . . . but that is not helpful when you are trying to corral a rowdy toddler at the mall on a Saturday afternoon. He was full of energy. But that bunny . . . oh my. He cried for another 45 minutes after we got out of the center court--I had to calm him down with an onion ring.

I start my job tomorrow. I'm so nervous, and, to be honest, upset. It's not that I don't think I can do this job, because I know I can do it. It's the change. And I have had so much unwanted change in the last year or so. It's all taken a toll on me that doesn't seem to heal. I got to thinking and I want the life I had in 2015 back. I was happy, we had a good income, I thought I could conquer the world. Now I don't know who I am, or what I want to be. Logan is the only really good thing that happened since then, but even that took so much from me. And I sometimes think I'll never get back to being OK, and that scares me, because I have these two wonderful little people who depend on me, and I don't want them to grow up remembering this version of me. I don't like her. I just don't really know how to get rid of her. I've spent the last few months praying to not be one of those people that falls through the cracks. I even felt the need a few nights ago to wish on a shooting star. We'll see how  that works out. I'm going to do the best job, and use this time to see if this is really what I want to do.

I am sorry to be a downer. It's just one of those days . . . I have been crying a lot lately. More lately than before.


Vicky R said...

Hugs and hope day one of the new job goes fabulously. xxx

Justine said...

I'm so sorry to read this. I hope you don't mind me saying but it sounds to me like you have depression. If you haven't already, could you maybe speak to a health professional about it? It can be treated.
That is a great photo of your son! One to save for a special birthday in the future.
Don't worry we won't let you fall through the cracks!

Carol said...

Aww... I think I might have been scared of that giant Easter bunny, too, Rachel :) What a classic photo!

I hope your first days of your job have gone well and that you'll meet some new positive-minded people. We all have crying times--mine hit me in January when I truly realized I was retired! But, things have gotten better and I trust they will for you, too :)

Lynn D said...

I wish you could see you through the eyes of others. I've always considered you as one of the strongest people I've come across. You have had many things happen since I first joined 123 (soon after Cole passed). You've gotten back up, stronger than before and learned from your experience.

I'm so sorry you've cried. I've cried almost four months and just the shedding of tears takes a lot out of us. My Mama's death is the reason for my tears.

Your children are beautiful.

I pray your new job is going great.

Meari said...

Kids are funny about the Easter Bunny and Santa at the mall. My niece was 5 before she'd even go up to Santa. Each year, prior she wanted NOTHING to do with Santa. That's a big bunny -- so maybe Logan was scared.

As for you... You'll find yourself and things will get better. Take one day at a time. Appreciate the good things and focus on those. Good luck with your new job.

I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped--Frederick Perls